Life is Sweet

I am struggling really struggling and all I want is to be heard but I guess it all goes to deafening ears, how can one person not get it? not comprehend, not empathize, how am I left all alone in the dark? Nobody has understand the pain, the anxiety, the boredom, the cry for help, nobody has ever looked beyond the suffering and the need for a hand to hold and reach. Sometimes it may look and sound we are overacting but we just needed someone to understand us but often times they just don’t get the picture.

The worst thing you can hear from your partner is “Kapoya makulong man ta!” (This is insane, it’s like I’m in imprison.) I know the quarantine has made us stuck to our home and we’ve been itching to go out and live our normal lives, I’ve been wanting to get my life back too, but I cannot because I have two kids now to take care of. So the audacity of your partner saying those words to you, ripped off your well-being and mental state.

Taking care of a newborn is not a walk in the park and I need all the help I can get, I understand as a parent and head of the family, you should be working your ass off, tirelessly looking for means to feed the family and sometimes I feel so inadequate doing nothing that is why I create content for brands, do my own thing, trying my best to do my part so that I won’t rely much on you and I can help in managing our budget too.

But I’ve been so resentful towards you that all I can see are your faults and you holding your phone all the time. You only spend a small amount of time with our kids because you are busy entertaining clients and that frustrates me a lot. And what I hate the most is giving you clues but I guess you are not so great with mind reading and I should stop giving you these nonsense clues.

Please understand that I appreciate everything you do because if not I would not have extended my understanding, I know I always look cranky and nitpick at small things but this is me getting frustrated of not being able to do enough.

Moms are superwoman they say, we have been through a lot but please understand that we cannot do this alone. I am always tired from waking up in the morning feeding Svea, pumping milk for her, not only I am feeding her liquid gold but also we are saving a lot from buying formula milk. I try my best to help Sven in his online class, and livestream on my freetime so that I can work, but when one of them doesn’t like to go to lalaland; I am stuck with a crazy household with a clingy baby and hyper active toddler, what more if I have to cook?

I need your understanding and patience, help me even when it gets boring inside our home, help me even if you wanted to go out and be with your friends in events, help me even if you wanted to chill and drink your cocktail at night, oh how much I would love to drink with you, if only I am not exclusively pumping for Svea.

Help me not resent you, help me fight for you, help me understand the confusion, the pain, help me to fully undestand my struggles too. I am also stuck here, I am so tired too, I wanted to meet my friends, I wanted to get a decent wax, an eyebrow thread, a good massage but I can’t because I cannot leave my kids alone and never did you hear me once complained that I am in prison. Choose your words and broaden your understanding because it definitely ripped what is left of my sanity.

Neither of us cannot do this alone, we need each other, I need you. We need each other to get through this dark space in our marriage and Svea and Sven need the both of us too.