9 versus 3???

9 years versus 3 years…where should I stand?

I’ve been wide awake last night thinking of what can I do to change the circumstances as what HE told me.  I am always a happy go lucky person but when it comes to love I get a little bit dumb.  I mean dumb in the sense that I don’t know what to do anymore.

3 years ago I met a guy who made me smile, who completed my day and yes he glued my broken heart into a whole new one.  He was a friend, I always yearn for his attention but the sad thing is he was never mine.  But I thought this was just a mere infatuation that will last for just a couple of months, after all when we don’t see each other anymore, I know for sure the feeling will be gone.

But suddenly after saying goodbye to my feelings for him, fate brought us back together, we’ve been exchanging messages and all.  To be honest my heart was available at that time, that means I never cheated.  King and I were fixing things together.  But every time I am down and sad,  he always makes me smile.  He always completes my day.  We still remained as friends and I never told him how I felt for him, since I don’t want to ruin the friendship.

When King and I was able to fix things out, I had to let go of my feelings for him, but how come fate is so cruel to us, it brought us back together for the third time.  It was weird, seeing him,  it gave me the rush of love, the butteflies in my stomach and just remembering the times we had shared before.  His hugs and smiles were memorable.  It was just a single chance and I lost track of him again.

When my heart was available and ready to take the risk with him, this time he was the one who broke my heart into pieces.  I gave my love and all out support to show how much I like him and maybe I have fallen in love with him, but the sad thing was he never told me he found someone new.  I was devastated that day, I just pretended that I am happy because it was his day and I just want him to be happy, but in the end he broked my heart.

Months and days have passed, we still became friends and I need to keep in mind that he will never be mine.  I don’t even know if he feels the same way as I do.  I remained numb and silent for the rest of our friendship.

When the most scariest thing happened to my relationship with King, he was the one who was there, and because of that it brought back the old feelings I had for him.  He was the only person that I have been longing for, for the longest time.  I’ve been trying to ignore my feelings but it will always come back to the reality that I like him.

Lately, I talked to him, and told him what I really felt, all he said that I have a happy life with King and he is going to stop there.  It made me cry for the entire night.  I explained to him why, and I would never expect that he will understand.

I was available at those times, I waited for him for the longest time, why now? Why did you not make a move before? My heart is restless and complicated and you have been the longest fling or infatuation or whatever I call it in my entire life.  I really don’t know why, I fell for you.  It seems that every time I stop thinking about you, fate will always find a way to bring us back together.

We are still standing in the same situation, denying and not telling what we really feel.  And thinking what could have, or the what if’s in life?

Issues of the heart is complicated, I am also having complications with King so no one is to be blame here.  I just want to keep my heart at rest first, before knowing where I really stand.

The 9 not so perfect years or the 3 unexplainable and secret years.

Where do I stand?  What can I do to change the circumstances?

Right now, I really don’t know.


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